From the collection of notes May You Grow Old Together! on the topic of insights about love, happiness, and life
Ebrahim Aslani
Psychologist and Family Counselor
Branch Manager of Nikoo School, Branch 2
First Note: Don’t Chase Love!
I have a habit of writing down my feelings and thoughts whenever I encounter an event, if time allows. Many everyday topics can become subjects for my writing. I share a few of these writings with you, with two hopes: I hope these insights evoke sincere and positive feelings in you, and also inspire you to write down your experiences and emotions.
Many people, whether in marital relationships or not, love to talk about “love” and describe their relationships and life partners in terms of love. It’s enough for an occasion like Valentine’s Day or its Iranian equivalents to come up for the word “love” to fill everywhere. In my opinion, there should be two interpretations of love:
* First Interpretation: In this view, love is a special and very limited term, described by famous lovers. Love usually comes from where it’s least expected and leaves an impact on the soul and life that remains for years, or even a lifetime.
Oblivious to the making and burning
Love was to come, not to be taught
“Molavi / Divan-e Shams / Quatrains”
Oblivious to the burnt and burning
Love was to come, not to be hoarded
“Sanai / Divan-e Ash’ar / Quatrains”
A similar verse is also found in the works of Abusaeid Abolkheir.۱
Thus, the word love should be used in cases where there are signs of inspiration, attraction, infatuation, mystery, passion, intoxication, warmth and inner fire, loss of control, unawareness, and freedom. Apart from famous and legendary lovers and stories, true love also finds its way to other humans, but it’s usually not lasting and cools down after a while. For some, love is a recurring and transferable concept, and they fall in love with someone every so often! Special, real, deep, and lasting loves are limited and rare, otherwise, a book would have to be written for every claim of love!۲
* Second Interpretation: “Love” also has a general and nonspecific meaning, and many use the word “love” instead of terms like: liking, affection, interest, kindness, intimacy, companionship, and the like. Thus, hearing someone say they love a certain food, movie, music, place, game, animal, etc., is not surprising. In human and marital relationships, “love” often has its general meaning and not a specific one; that is, when people want to show that they are fond of each other or love each other, they describe it with love.
Frankly, many marital lives, even if they are good, intimate, and balanced, cannot be described as romantic. I don’t want to ruin anything, just to explain that relationships don’t have to be romantic; it’s enough for a husband and wife to love each other and respect each other from the bottom of their hearts for a good life. This point is especially important for young couples. Being together, enjoying each other’s company, and being a source of peace for each other are more important than searching for love. Now, if you want to describe the situation with “love,” it’s okay, but remember that even if you
found each other on the path of love and entered married life with love and romance, the color and flavor of love might change over time. Therefore, accept that you live life correctly and have a good relationship even if everything isn’t as warm and passionate as the days of romance!
For many, experiencing love in its special and real sense happens, but for most of us and most of the time, love in its general sense prevails, and that’s enough for a good life.
Footnotes:
- I conducted a search for this verse through the “Ganjoor” website, which includes a collection of works by Persian-speaking poets.
- I have a book titled “Day of Lovers / Another Narrative of Love” that, in addition to a psychological analysis of love, compares Valentine’s Day with Sepandarmazgan, explaining that the theme and content of these two occasions are not the same. The book was published by Ghoghnoos in 2010.
